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Friday, March 11, 2022
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Monday, March 7, 2016
Why do we feel guilty?
Do you struggle with guilt? For me, the answer is "ALL THE TIME". I'm quite an expert at feeling guilty. I feel guilty about the way I parent. I feel guilty about the smallest infractions. I feel guilty because I'm not in perfect health yet. I even feel guilty about feeling guilty because I've read a lot of self-help books that said "there's no need to feel guilty!"
But if there really is no need to feel guilty, the question remains - "why do we?" It doesn't make sense to me, evolution-wise, to develop an ability to feel guilty if all it's going to do is make us feel stress and age our bodies prematurely. There MUST be an advantage to feeling guilt. So, I decided to delve deeper.
First of all, what is guilt? It's that nagging, self-consuming shame that we did something wrong. And when do we feel guilt? Usually, it's when you fail to meet an expectation or a higher standard. Who makes us feel guilty? The answer to this one is a little tricky. A lot of the expectations and standards are absorbed from the people around you, from what you were taught in schools, and from the culture you grew up in. So, it's easy to blame others for the guilt we feel, but the truth is, we are the ones who bought into those standards and are judging ourselves against them. Finally, why do we feel guilty? I think it's because there's a desire within you to meet that expectation. I mean, if you were suddenly told by a complete stranger, "I expect you to eat 100 hamburgers everyday," would you feel guilty for not meeting that expectation?
After considering all of this, I realized that we indeed have a use for guilt. We actually have control over whether to feel guilty or not, and we can use the guilt to improve ourselves. First, determine if the standards and expectations you are judging yourself against actually serve you. It's possible that you are holding on to an expectation like the "100 hamburgers" simply because that's what you've been taught. Once you take a good look at it, you may realize that iit really doesn't do you any good.
Next, if you still find that you have expectations and standards that you would like to meet, not because you want to meet someone else's expectations, but because you want to evolve and become a better person, then treat these guilt as your alarm clock. See it as a wake up call your soul. But just like you need a little time to become fully awake, you are going to need a little time to wake up. Don't feel discouraged if you need to hit the snooze button a few times. Once in a while, you may find yourself deep asleep again, but eventually, you'll get to a point where it won't feel so difficult to get up.
In the meantime, don't forget to give yourself credit for the progress you have made. Becoming aware of your shortcomings is a huge step forward.
But if there really is no need to feel guilty, the question remains - "why do we?" It doesn't make sense to me, evolution-wise, to develop an ability to feel guilty if all it's going to do is make us feel stress and age our bodies prematurely. There MUST be an advantage to feeling guilt. So, I decided to delve deeper.
First of all, what is guilt? It's that nagging, self-consuming shame that we did something wrong. And when do we feel guilt? Usually, it's when you fail to meet an expectation or a higher standard. Who makes us feel guilty? The answer to this one is a little tricky. A lot of the expectations and standards are absorbed from the people around you, from what you were taught in schools, and from the culture you grew up in. So, it's easy to blame others for the guilt we feel, but the truth is, we are the ones who bought into those standards and are judging ourselves against them. Finally, why do we feel guilty? I think it's because there's a desire within you to meet that expectation. I mean, if you were suddenly told by a complete stranger, "I expect you to eat 100 hamburgers everyday," would you feel guilty for not meeting that expectation?
After considering all of this, I realized that we indeed have a use for guilt. We actually have control over whether to feel guilty or not, and we can use the guilt to improve ourselves. First, determine if the standards and expectations you are judging yourself against actually serve you. It's possible that you are holding on to an expectation like the "100 hamburgers" simply because that's what you've been taught. Once you take a good look at it, you may realize that iit really doesn't do you any good.
Next, if you still find that you have expectations and standards that you would like to meet, not because you want to meet someone else's expectations, but because you want to evolve and become a better person, then treat these guilt as your alarm clock. See it as a wake up call your soul. But just like you need a little time to become fully awake, you are going to need a little time to wake up. Don't feel discouraged if you need to hit the snooze button a few times. Once in a while, you may find yourself deep asleep again, but eventually, you'll get to a point where it won't feel so difficult to get up.
In the meantime, don't forget to give yourself credit for the progress you have made. Becoming aware of your shortcomings is a huge step forward.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Lullabye (Good Night, My Angel) by Billy Joel
Back when I was a teenager, there was a time when I felt compelled to listen to this song over and over again. There was something in the music that touched me at a deeper level than most other songs. It was so heartbreaking, yet so healing at the same time.
I rediscovered this song recently, and now I sing it for my children every night. First time I sang it, I spied a tear in my firstborn's eyes, and I was so grateful that I was able to share this beautiful gift of a song with him.
Thank you, Billy Joel, for moving our souls time and time again with your music. Thank you, Alexa Joel, for inspiring your father. Thank you, my children, for bringing this song back in my life. And thank YOU, my dear reader, for allowing me to share this song with you.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
For My Children - On Love
This past Valentine's weekend, I was trying to understand what love truly is. I found such a huge gap between the needy, expectant love being sold to us on Valentine's day and the boundless, unconditional love that our souls seek within us. I was also disturbed by my own past behaviors that played into the stereotypical gender roles - even though I had thought that I was above all of that at the time. In the end, though, I had to recognize that everything happened because it was necessary for my own evolution and forgive myself.
Here's what came out of it all at the end:
My Dear Son,
If you need to belittle others
To make yourself grander,
You are not yet capable to love.
If you think that denying your tears
Makes you a brave man,
You are not yet man enough to love.
For you define yourself
Through what you do to others.
For nothing takes more courage
Than to face yourself.
My Dear Daughter,
If you need approval from others
In order to approve of yourself,
You are not yet ready to love.
If you believe that changing others
Will improve your own life,
You are not yet mature enough to love.
For you must love yourself
Before you can love others.
For nothing will change
Until you change yourself.
Yet, My Dear Children,
You cannot learn to love
Through my words.
You came here to experience
Love for yourselves.
So go out there and
Get your hearts broken.
Don't let fear stop you
From making "mistakes".
For only experience can help you
Discover your true capacity to love.
For you must understand what isn't love
Before you can understand what love is.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Are You Self-Centered?
Ever since I discovered Louise Hay half an year ago, I've been trying to work on my self-esteem. Yet, after months of ups and downs, I have to tell you, I'm still struggling with the concept of self-love. Pretty much everyday, in fact. I often find it a struggle to reconcile the idea of self-love with the seemingly universal "truth" that being self-centered is bad and that you should always be selfless. Isn't it what every "good" person is supposed to do? If I take attention away from my family in order to do inner soul searching, does that make me a "bad" person?
I was listening to a talk by Alan Watts on love, and I had a moment - a brief moment - of clarity. I saw myself as a puppy, chasing its own tail. I've been told that I am perfect exactly the way I am, so I've been chasing this image of a "perfect" self that I keep glancing out of the corner of my eye so that I can embrace it. Yet all I'm doing is going around in circles, making myself all dizzy and confused. I'm "copying the symptoms", as Watts said, of the self-assured person but I'm not getting anywhere because copying and being are two different things. For example, you can decide to become more generous and give a gift to someone. But if you consciously or subconsciously expect something in return (a thank you note, a tax write-off, or even a smile), are you really being generous? That kind of generosity is different from the generosity of someone who can walk away unperturbed even when the gift is rejected unceremoniously.
So, copying the symptom of Louise Hay and other self-help gurus apparently isn't going to lead me to true self-acceptance. What then? I think it would be better if I could just stop chasing my own tail and sit down. Sit down on that perfect little tail of mine and know that I'm already attached to it, that perfection is already part of me and it's not going anywhere. What's necessary is a new way to look at myself. A new way to define what it means to be self-centered and to be selfless.
Rather than equating being self-centered with being selfish, and being selfless with being saintly, let's take those words literally. Meaning, being centered within yourself for "self-centered" and thinking less of yourself for "selfless". Rather than being swayed by the opinions of others and then judging yourself for not being able to meet their standards, listen to them respectfully but decide for yourself whether those opinions and starndards serve you well.
Let's go back to the issue of generosity, for example. Conventional wisdom says that selfless people give, give, give, while selfish people take, take, take. But the truth is, givers are always receiving something when they give, and receivers are always giving something when they receive. The seemingly stingy person is still giving you a gift! I mean, who hasn't received a gift that you didn't really need or want purely because the "selfless" gifter felt obligated to buy you something for a certain occasion? How much better it would have been if the person could have just faced the fear of appearing stingy and given you the gift of an uncluttered home! Instead, what really happens is that the receiver now feels that he/she is in the "lesser" position so must repay the debt in order to feel better. And the game of "who's more selfless?" continues.
Let's go back to the issue of generosity, for example. Conventional wisdom says that selfless people give, give, give, while selfish people take, take, take. But the truth is, givers are always receiving something when they give, and receivers are always giving something when they receive. The seemingly stingy person is still giving you a gift! I mean, who hasn't received a gift that you didn't really need or want purely because the "selfless" gifter felt obligated to buy you something for a certain occasion? How much better it would have been if the person could have just faced the fear of appearing stingy and given you the gift of an uncluttered home! Instead, what really happens is that the receiver now feels that he/she is in the "lesser" position so must repay the debt in order to feel better. And the game of "who's more selfless?" continues.
My personal struggle with self-acceptance is with meeting my own needs and desires while also meeting my family's needs. I have 3 young children, a husband, and a dog who all need love and attention from me, which really doesn't leave much time for myself. At the same time, I know that I need to have my own life. My mother was a full time mom, and when I was younger, I used to believe that the measure of her success depended on how well my brother and I turned out. I don't think that way now, but I do remember how much pressure it used to put on my shoulders. I don't want my children to feel that way. So, I need to establish an identity other than just being a mom, but that means I can't always meet my children's needs and wants. This scares me!! What if my kids grow up and tell me that I was a neglectful, selfish mom?!
But that's a risk I'm going to have to take. My children are free to judge me however they like. If they end up thinking that I was a horrible mother, they have the right to do so. And I also have the right not to judge myself through their eyes, or anyone else's. I have the right to believe that I am teaching them independence rather than being neglectful. I have the right to believe that I'm teaching them to respect themselves as well as others by showing them that I have needs of my own and I respect them. It seems so paradoxical that in order to help my children, I would need to do what seems like the opposite of what I ought to be doing. But that's the nature of things. Givers are also receiving, receivers are also giving. We are all perfect and flawed at the same time. And understanding THAT may be the key that finally opens the door of self-acceptance for me.
But that's a risk I'm going to have to take. My children are free to judge me however they like. If they end up thinking that I was a horrible mother, they have the right to do so. And I also have the right not to judge myself through their eyes, or anyone else's. I have the right to believe that I am teaching them independence rather than being neglectful. I have the right to believe that I'm teaching them to respect themselves as well as others by showing them that I have needs of my own and I respect them. It seems so paradoxical that in order to help my children, I would need to do what seems like the opposite of what I ought to be doing. But that's the nature of things. Givers are also receiving, receivers are also giving. We are all perfect and flawed at the same time. And understanding THAT may be the key that finally opens the door of self-acceptance for me.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
We are Earthlings - Why Saying "Girls Rule" Isn't Helping Anyone
As a mother of three children, two boys and one girl, I truly want to pass on a better world than what we are seeing now. Everyone seems so polarized - politically, financially, spiritually. We attack each other over our differences, which breeds fear and anxiety. And what do we do when we are frightened? We retreat into our own little corners and attack, attack, and attack some more.
We all know this isn't working. And we already know what will help. I mean, how long has it been since The Beatles sang, "All You Need Is Love"? (For all you trivia buffs, the answer is 46 years.) Yet, the second we encounter anyone who seems slightly different from you, our reaction tends to be to attack rather than love. You know you've done it. You've criticized people inside your head even if you didn't let out a peep. I know I certainly have.
So how do we stop this? How do we change the world? I believe the answer is one thought at a time. I think we should all take a good look at the beliefs that's been passed down as truth and really examine them. Ask yourself, "Is it REALLY true? Do I actually want to believe this?"
I want to write a series of posts called "We are Earthlings", so that we can all challenge our old beliefs that separate us and learn to love each other as co-inhabitants of this little planet called Earth. So, here we go. I hope you'll come along with me on this mental roller coaster ride.
***********
Today is my oldest son's birthday, so in honor of him, the first belief I'd like to tackle is the currently rather popular belief that we should be teaching our girls that they "rule". Supposedly, this is supposed to make them feel "empowered". Don't get me wrong, I'm all for gender equality. I'm not suggesting that we should go back to the olden days of male dominance. But the word "equality" is the key here. "Girls Rule" crosses that threshold and suggests that girls are superior than boys. That's when I say, "No, thank you". I want a world where my boys, as well as my daughter, are respected equally.
I see so many grown women these days who treat men as if they are supposed to be their servants. I don't mind parents teaching girls that they are princesses. Every girl IS special and should be worshiped like a princess. But we should also be teaching our children that every boy is special, too, and that he deserve to be worshiped like a prince. Every man is different. Every woman is different. The only thing that isn't different is that everyone deserves respect.
Once the children understand this, it should help immensely when they start dating - though I'm sure some of you would rather not think about that stage yet! :) When my children grow up, I want them to be in a partnership where both parties feel loved and respected. Should the relationship fail, I want them to have the courage to examine what they could have done differently because no one is perfect. And I certainly don't want them to result to the frail excuse of "I just don't understand women" or "If he had treated me better".
Ultimately, I want all our children to learn that the key to happiness lies within themselves. They don't need someone else to make them feel validated, and they certainly don't need to put down the opposite sex to make them feel empowered.
So next time you see or hear comments that tries to distance the sexes, stop and think "Is this true? How would I feel about it if the genders were reversed?" If you don't think you would like it very much, then don't let it continue. Don't pass it on. And most definitely, don't pass it on to our children!
By the way, I'm well aware that in many parts of the world, girls are still treated as second class citizens, if not objects to be owned. Recent series on NPR comes to mind. I certainly want equality for girls like them. I certainly want them to see that their lives matter. I certainly think that girls like that should be encouraged and have role models to follow. As I said before, the word "equality" is the key. We are Earthlings, each and every one of us.
We all know this isn't working. And we already know what will help. I mean, how long has it been since The Beatles sang, "All You Need Is Love"? (For all you trivia buffs, the answer is 46 years.) Yet, the second we encounter anyone who seems slightly different from you, our reaction tends to be to attack rather than love. You know you've done it. You've criticized people inside your head even if you didn't let out a peep. I know I certainly have.
So how do we stop this? How do we change the world? I believe the answer is one thought at a time. I think we should all take a good look at the beliefs that's been passed down as truth and really examine them. Ask yourself, "Is it REALLY true? Do I actually want to believe this?"
I want to write a series of posts called "We are Earthlings", so that we can all challenge our old beliefs that separate us and learn to love each other as co-inhabitants of this little planet called Earth. So, here we go. I hope you'll come along with me on this mental roller coaster ride.
***********
Today is my oldest son's birthday, so in honor of him, the first belief I'd like to tackle is the currently rather popular belief that we should be teaching our girls that they "rule". Supposedly, this is supposed to make them feel "empowered". Don't get me wrong, I'm all for gender equality. I'm not suggesting that we should go back to the olden days of male dominance. But the word "equality" is the key here. "Girls Rule" crosses that threshold and suggests that girls are superior than boys. That's when I say, "No, thank you". I want a world where my boys, as well as my daughter, are respected equally.
I see so many grown women these days who treat men as if they are supposed to be their servants. I don't mind parents teaching girls that they are princesses. Every girl IS special and should be worshiped like a princess. But we should also be teaching our children that every boy is special, too, and that he deserve to be worshiped like a prince. Every man is different. Every woman is different. The only thing that isn't different is that everyone deserves respect.
Once the children understand this, it should help immensely when they start dating - though I'm sure some of you would rather not think about that stage yet! :) When my children grow up, I want them to be in a partnership where both parties feel loved and respected. Should the relationship fail, I want them to have the courage to examine what they could have done differently because no one is perfect. And I certainly don't want them to result to the frail excuse of "I just don't understand women" or "If he had treated me better".
Ultimately, I want all our children to learn that the key to happiness lies within themselves. They don't need someone else to make them feel validated, and they certainly don't need to put down the opposite sex to make them feel empowered.
So next time you see or hear comments that tries to distance the sexes, stop and think "Is this true? How would I feel about it if the genders were reversed?" If you don't think you would like it very much, then don't let it continue. Don't pass it on. And most definitely, don't pass it on to our children!
By the way, I'm well aware that in many parts of the world, girls are still treated as second class citizens, if not objects to be owned. Recent series on NPR comes to mind. I certainly want equality for girls like them. I certainly want them to see that their lives matter. I certainly think that girls like that should be encouraged and have role models to follow. As I said before, the word "equality" is the key. We are Earthlings, each and every one of us.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Are Your Parents Obligated to Love You Unconditionally?
OK. I know my answer to this question is going to ruffle some feathers. But I've been thinking about this for a long time now, and my answer is NO. That's right, N. O. I don't think so.
Why? Because I think the only person you can truly rely on to love you unconditionally is you and yourself alone. I can add God to that list if you like, but I believe God is already within you - you are part of God - so that would be the same thing. You expect anyone else to love you unconditionally, and you give up control of your happiness. You're always relying on love from an outside source to make you happy, and that's unreliable! Don't look for someone to be your savior. YOU are your own savior. YOU are responsible for your own happiness.
Maybe I should back up a little bit so you can understand how I got to this point.
This summer, when I was really questioning myself and my parenting skills in particular, I kept wondering "Is it even possible to raise your children without scarring them somehow?" So I went to the Great Google and typed in the question. What I found out was that not too many people were asking the same question. What I did find out was that there are A LOT of people asking, "Do you think your parents loved you unconditionally?" and the resounding answer to that question was "NO!" It seems pretty much everyone felt that their parents were selfish, if not narcissistic. There's even a whole website devoted to daughters raised by narcissistic mothers. Even the ones that felt relatively well loved remembered incidents in their lives that made them feel unloved.
My first reaction was, "Oh lord! Is this how my children will see me when they grow up?" But the more I thought about it, I started to feel like, "Well, why not?" After all, I am a human being. I'm not some perfect saint! Sometimes, I need to do something else before I can sit down and read a book with them. Sometimes, I don't have the patience to deal with the constant bickering among siblings or the obnoxious repetition of a really annoying song. If my children choose to see those moments as my being selfish or a sign of lack of love, there really isn't anything I can do about that.
And this is true for all parents, including yours and mine. It's completely normal and routine to feel unloved at some point in our childhoods. What's insane is that we've all bought into this lie that our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally, and then we lick our wounds collectively, blaming our parents for "messing us up." Please, let us all get rid of this unrealistic burden! I know a lot of people, personally, who didn't feel loved as children and are carrying this huge load of resentment, anger, sadness, as well as a faint hope that someday, somehow, their parents will turn around and tell them "I'm sorry, I love you." Why wait until then to be happy? What if that day never comes? Wouldn't it be better to just recognize this as a myth and get rid of the guilt that comes with thinking "My parents must not have loved me because I wasn't good enough"?
Now, I'm not saying that no one is able to love unconditionally. I'm sure some people are capable of loving others unconditionally, and some of you grew up without ever doubting your parents' love. I also believe that all of us are capable of loving others unconditionally, too. But before that can happen, we must learn to love ourselves first. When we love ourselves, we take responsibility for our own happiness. When we take responsibility for our own happiness, we stop seeking validation from others. When we stop looking for validation from others, we stop seeing others as possible attackers of our fragile egos. And when we are no longer afraid of receiving attacks from these people, we can love them freely. Unconditionally.
So that's where I am now. I may feel differently a few years from now, but right now, I'm working on loving and accepting myself. I at least recognize my immediate anxiety when I hear a word of criticism from my parents and try to just observe that anxiety from a distance. I'm trying to allow my children to feel whatever they want to feel without turning it into a personal attack on my parenting skills. I feel more connected and loving toward all earthlings. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.
Do you think your parents loved you unconditionally? Do you think we can raise our children without scarring them somehow? Do you feel at peace with your answers to these questions? How do you feel about my stance on unconditional love? I'd love for my thoughts to start your inner dialogue - a seed that begins your search for a deeper answer. And do let me know what you found in the comments below!
Why? Because I think the only person you can truly rely on to love you unconditionally is you and yourself alone. I can add God to that list if you like, but I believe God is already within you - you are part of God - so that would be the same thing. You expect anyone else to love you unconditionally, and you give up control of your happiness. You're always relying on love from an outside source to make you happy, and that's unreliable! Don't look for someone to be your savior. YOU are your own savior. YOU are responsible for your own happiness.
Maybe I should back up a little bit so you can understand how I got to this point.
This summer, when I was really questioning myself and my parenting skills in particular, I kept wondering "Is it even possible to raise your children without scarring them somehow?" So I went to the Great Google and typed in the question. What I found out was that not too many people were asking the same question. What I did find out was that there are A LOT of people asking, "Do you think your parents loved you unconditionally?" and the resounding answer to that question was "NO!" It seems pretty much everyone felt that their parents were selfish, if not narcissistic. There's even a whole website devoted to daughters raised by narcissistic mothers. Even the ones that felt relatively well loved remembered incidents in their lives that made them feel unloved.
My first reaction was, "Oh lord! Is this how my children will see me when they grow up?" But the more I thought about it, I started to feel like, "Well, why not?" After all, I am a human being. I'm not some perfect saint! Sometimes, I need to do something else before I can sit down and read a book with them. Sometimes, I don't have the patience to deal with the constant bickering among siblings or the obnoxious repetition of a really annoying song. If my children choose to see those moments as my being selfish or a sign of lack of love, there really isn't anything I can do about that.
And this is true for all parents, including yours and mine. It's completely normal and routine to feel unloved at some point in our childhoods. What's insane is that we've all bought into this lie that our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally, and then we lick our wounds collectively, blaming our parents for "messing us up." Please, let us all get rid of this unrealistic burden! I know a lot of people, personally, who didn't feel loved as children and are carrying this huge load of resentment, anger, sadness, as well as a faint hope that someday, somehow, their parents will turn around and tell them "I'm sorry, I love you." Why wait until then to be happy? What if that day never comes? Wouldn't it be better to just recognize this as a myth and get rid of the guilt that comes with thinking "My parents must not have loved me because I wasn't good enough"?
Now, I'm not saying that no one is able to love unconditionally. I'm sure some people are capable of loving others unconditionally, and some of you grew up without ever doubting your parents' love. I also believe that all of us are capable of loving others unconditionally, too. But before that can happen, we must learn to love ourselves first. When we love ourselves, we take responsibility for our own happiness. When we take responsibility for our own happiness, we stop seeking validation from others. When we stop looking for validation from others, we stop seeing others as possible attackers of our fragile egos. And when we are no longer afraid of receiving attacks from these people, we can love them freely. Unconditionally.
So that's where I am now. I may feel differently a few years from now, but right now, I'm working on loving and accepting myself. I at least recognize my immediate anxiety when I hear a word of criticism from my parents and try to just observe that anxiety from a distance. I'm trying to allow my children to feel whatever they want to feel without turning it into a personal attack on my parenting skills. I feel more connected and loving toward all earthlings. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.
Do you think your parents loved you unconditionally? Do you think we can raise our children without scarring them somehow? Do you feel at peace with your answers to these questions? How do you feel about my stance on unconditional love? I'd love for my thoughts to start your inner dialogue - a seed that begins your search for a deeper answer. And do let me know what you found in the comments below!
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