Lullabye (Good Night, My Angel) by Billy Joel

Back when I was a teenager, there was a time when I felt compelled to listen to this song over and over again.  There was something in the music that touched me at a deeper level than most other songs.  It was so heartbreaking, yet so healing at the same time. 

I rediscovered this song recently, and now I sing it for my children every night.  First time I sang it, I spied a tear in my firstborn's eyes, and I was so grateful that I was able to share this beautiful gift of a song with him.

Thank you, Billy Joel, for moving our souls time and time again with your music.  Thank you, Alexa Joel, for inspiring your father.  Thank you, my children, for bringing this song back in my life.  And thank YOU, my dear reader, for allowing me to share this song with you. 

For My Children - On Love

This past Valentine's weekend, I was trying to understand what love truly is.  I found such a huge gap between the needy, expectant love being sold to us on Valentine's day and the boundless, unconditional love that our souls seek within us.  I was also disturbed by my own past behaviors that played into the stereotypical gender roles  - even though I had thought that I was above all of that at the time.  In the end, though, I had to recognize that everything happened because it was necessary for my own evolution and forgive myself.

Here's what came out of it all at the end:

My Dear Son,

If you need to belittle others

To  make yourself grander,

You are not yet capable to love.

If you think that denying your tears

Makes you a brave man,

You are not yet man enough to love.

For you define yourself

Through what you do to others.

For nothing takes more courage

Than to face yourself.

My Dear Daughter,

If you need approval from others

In order to approve of yourself,

You are not yet ready to love.

If you believe that changing others

Will improve your own life,

You are not yet mature enough to love.

For you must love yourself

Before you can love others.

For nothing will change

Until you change yourself.

Yet, My Dear Children,

You cannot learn to love 

Through my words.

You came here to experience 

Love for yourselves.

So go out there and 

Get your hearts broken.

Don't let fear stop you 

From making "mistakes".

For only experience can help you 

Discover your true capacity to love.

For you must understand what isn't love

Before you can understand what love is.

Are You Self-Centered?

Ever since I discovered Louise Hay half an year ago, I've been trying to work on my self-esteem. Yet, after months of ups and downs, I have to tell you, I'm still struggling with the concept of self-love.  Pretty much everyday, in fact.  I often find it a struggle to reconcile the idea of self-love with the seemingly universal "truth" that being self-centered is bad and that you should always be selfless.  Isn't it what every "good" person is supposed to do?  If I take attention away from my family in order to do inner soul searching, does that make me a "bad" person?

I was listening to a talk by Alan Watts on love, and I had a moment - a brief moment - of clarity.  I saw myself as a puppy, chasing its own tail.  I've been told that I am perfect exactly the way I am, so I've been chasing this image of a "perfect" self that I keep glancing out of the corner of my eye so that I can embrace it.  Yet all I'm doing is going around in circles, making myself all dizzy and confused.  I'm "copying the symptoms", as Watts said, of the self-assured person but I'm not getting anywhere because copying and being are two different things.  For example, you can decide to become more generous and give a gift to someone.  But if you consciously or subconsciously expect something in return (a thank you note, a tax write-off, or even a smile), are you really being generous?  That kind of generosity is different from the generosity of someone who can walk away unperturbed even when the gift is rejected unceremoniously.

So, copying the symptom of Louise Hay and other self-help gurus apparently isn't going to lead me to true self-acceptance.  What then?  I think it would be better if I could just stop chasing my own tail and sit down.  Sit down on that perfect little tail of mine and know that I'm already attached to it, that perfection is already part of me and it's not going anywhere.  What's necessary is a new way to look at myself.  A new way to define what it means to be self-centered and to be selfless.

Rather than equating being self-centered with being selfish, and being selfless with being saintly, let's take those words literally.  Meaning, being centered within yourself for "self-centered" and thinking less of yourself for "selfless".  Rather than being swayed by the opinions of others and then judging yourself for not being able to meet their standards, listen to them respectfully but decide for yourself whether those opinions and starndards serve you well. 

Let's go back to the issue of generosity, for example.  Conventional wisdom says that selfless people give, give, give, while selfish people take, take, take.  But the truth is, givers are always receiving something when they give, and receivers are always giving something when they receive.  The seemingly stingy person is still giving you a gift!  I mean, who hasn't received a gift that you didn't really need or want purely because the "selfless" gifter felt obligated to buy you something for a certain occasion?  How much better it would have been if the person could have just faced the fear of appearing stingy and given you the gift of an uncluttered home!  Instead, what really happens is that the receiver now feels that he/she is in the "lesser" position so must repay the debt in order to feel better.  And the game of "who's more selfless?" continues.

My personal struggle with self-acceptance is with meeting my own needs and desires while also meeting my family's needs.  I have 3 young children, a husband, and a dog who all need love and attention from me, which really doesn't leave much time for myself.  At the same time, I know that I need to have my own life.  My mother was a full time mom, and when I was younger, I used to believe that the measure of her success depended on how well my brother and I turned out.   I don't think that way now, but I do remember how much pressure it used to put on my shoulders.  I don't want my children to feel that way.  So, I need to establish an identity other than just being a mom, but that means I can't always meet my children's needs and wants.  This scares me!!  What if my kids grow up and tell me that I was a neglectful, selfish mom?!

But that's a risk I'm going to have to take.  My children are free to judge me however they like.  If they end up thinking that I was a horrible mother, they have the right to do so.  And I also have the right not to judge myself through their eyes, or anyone else's.  I have the right to believe that I am teaching them independence rather than being neglectful.  I have the right to believe that I'm teaching them to respect themselves as well as others by showing them that I have needs of my own and I respect them.  It seems so paradoxical that in order to help my children, I would need to do what seems like the opposite of what I ought to be doing.  But that's the nature of things.  Givers are also receiving, receivers are also giving.  We are all perfect and flawed at the same time.  And understanding THAT may be the key that finally opens the door of self-acceptance for me. 

We are Earthlings - Why Saying "Girls Rule" Isn't Helping Anyone

As a mother of three children, two boys and one girl, I truly want to pass on a better world than what we are seeing now.  Everyone seems so polarized - politically, financially, spiritually.  We attack each other over our differences, which breeds fear and anxiety.  And what do we do when we are frightened?  We retreat into our own little corners and attack, attack, and attack some more.

We all know this isn't working.  And we already know what will help.  I mean, how long has it been since The Beatles sang, "All You Need Is Love"?  (For all you trivia buffs, the answer is 46 years.)  Yet, the second we encounter anyone who seems slightly different from you, our reaction tends to be to attack rather than love.  You know you've done it.  You've criticized people inside your head even if you didn't let out a peep.  I know I certainly have.

So how do we stop this?  How do we change the world?  I believe the answer is one thought at a time.  I think we should all take a good look at the beliefs that's been passed down as truth and really examine them.  Ask yourself, "Is it REALLY true?  Do I actually want to believe this?"

I want to write a series of posts called "We are Earthlings", so that we can all challenge our old beliefs that separate us and learn to love each other as co-inhabitants of this little planet called Earth.  So, here we go.  I hope you'll come along with me on this mental roller coaster ride.

***********

Today is my oldest son's birthday, so in honor of him, the first belief I'd like to tackle is the currently rather popular belief that we should be teaching our girls that they "rule".  Supposedly, this is supposed to make them feel "empowered".  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for gender equality.  I'm not suggesting that we should go back to the olden days of male dominance.  But the word "equality" is the key here.  "Girls Rule" crosses that threshold and suggests that girls are superior than boys.  That's when I say, "No, thank you".  I want a world where my boys, as well as my daughter, are respected equally.

I see so many grown women these days who treat men as if they are supposed to be their servants.  I don't mind parents teaching girls that they are princesses.  Every girl IS special and should be worshiped like a princess.  But we should also be teaching our children that every boy is special, too, and that he deserve to be worshiped like a prince.  Every man is different.  Every woman is different.  The only thing that isn't different is that everyone deserves respect.

Once the children understand this, it should help immensely when they start dating - though I'm sure some of you would rather not think about that stage yet!  :)  When my children grow up, I want them to be in a partnership where both parties feel loved and respected.  Should the relationship fail, I want them to have the courage to examine what they could have done differently because no one is perfect.  And I certainly don't want them to result to the frail excuse of "I just don't understand women" or "If he had treated me better".

Ultimately, I want all our children to learn that the key to happiness lies within themselves.  They don't need someone else to make them feel validated, and they certainly don't need to put down the opposite sex to make them feel empowered.

So next time you see or hear comments that tries to distance the sexes, stop and think "Is this true?  How would I feel about it if the genders were reversed?"  If you don't think you would like it very much, then don't let it continue.  Don't pass it on.  And most definitely, don't pass it on to our children!

By the way, I'm well aware that in many parts of the world, girls are still treated as second class citizens, if not objects to be owned.  Recent series on NPR comes to mind.  I certainly want equality for girls like them.  I certainly want them to see that their lives matter.  I certainly think that girls like that should be encouraged and have role models to follow.  As I said before, the word "equality" is the key.  We are Earthlings, each and every one of us.

Are Your Parents Obligated to Love You Unconditionally?

OK.  I know my answer to this question is going to ruffle some feathers.  But I've been thinking about this for a long time now, and my answer is NO.  That's right, N. O.  I don't think so.

Why?  Because I think the only person you can truly rely on to love you unconditionally is you and yourself alone.  I can add God to that list if you like, but I believe God is already within you - you are part of God - so that would be the same thing.  You expect anyone else to love you unconditionally, and you give up control of your happiness.  You're always relying on love from an outside source to make you happy, and that's unreliable!  Don't look for someone to be your savior.  YOU are your own savior.  YOU are responsible for your own happiness.

Maybe I should back up a little bit so you can understand how I got to this point.

This summer, when I was really questioning myself and my parenting skills in particular, I kept wondering "Is it even possible to raise your children without scarring them somehow?"  So I went to the Great Google and typed in the question.  What I found out was that not too many people were asking the same question.  What I did find out was that there are A LOT of people asking, "Do you think your parents loved you unconditionally?" and the resounding answer to that question was "NO!"  It seems pretty much everyone felt that their parents were selfish, if not narcissistic.  There's even a whole website devoted to daughters raised by narcissistic mothers.  Even the ones that felt relatively well loved remembered incidents in their lives that made them feel unloved.

My first reaction was, "Oh lord!  Is this how my children will see me when they grow up?"  But the more I thought about it, I started to feel like, "Well, why not?"  After all, I am a human being.  I'm not some perfect saint!  Sometimes, I need to do something else before I can sit down and read a book with them.  Sometimes, I don't have the patience to deal with the constant bickering among siblings or the obnoxious repetition of a really annoying song.  If my children choose to see those moments as my being selfish or a sign of lack of love, there really isn't anything I can do about that.

And this is true for all parents, including yours and mine.  It's completely normal and routine to feel unloved at some point in our childhoods. What's insane is that we've all bought into this lie that our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally, and then we lick our wounds collectively, blaming our parents for "messing us up."  Please, let us all get rid of this unrealistic burden!  I know a lot of people, personally, who didn't feel loved as children and are carrying this huge load of resentment, anger, sadness, as well as a faint hope that someday, somehow, their parents will turn around and tell them "I'm sorry, I love you."  Why wait until then to be happy?  What if that day never comes?  Wouldn't it be better to just recognize this as a myth and get rid of the guilt that comes with thinking "My parents must not have loved me because I wasn't good enough"?

Now, I'm not saying that no one is able to love unconditionally.  I'm sure some people are capable of loving others unconditionally, and some of you grew up without ever doubting your parents' love.  I also believe that all of us are capable of loving others unconditionally, too.  But before that can happen, we must learn to love ourselves first.  When we love ourselves, we take responsibility for our own happiness.  When we take responsibility for our own happiness, we stop seeking validation from others.  When we stop looking for validation from others, we stop seeing others as possible attackers of our fragile egos.  And when we are no longer afraid of receiving attacks from these people, we can love them freely.  Unconditionally.

So that's where I am now.  I may feel differently a few years from now, but right now, I'm working on loving and accepting myself.  I at least recognize my immediate anxiety when I hear a word of criticism from my parents and try to just observe that anxiety from a distance.  I'm trying to allow my children to feel whatever they want to feel without turning it into a personal attack on my parenting skills.  I feel more connected and loving toward all earthlings.  Baby steps.  Baby steps.  Baby steps.

Do you think your parents loved you unconditionally?  Do you think we can raise our children without scarring them somehow?  Do you feel at peace with your answers to these questions?  How do you feel about my stance on unconditional love?  I'd love for my thoughts to start your inner dialogue - a seed that begins your search for a deeper answer.  And do let me know what you found in the comments below!

What I'm Learning about Being a Parent #2

In my previous post, I wrote about the #1 thing that I've been learning about being a parent, which was to stop trying to teach them something and just be a good role model.

I think the second most important thing is to accept yourself just as you are.  This actually goes back to being a good role model.  We want to be the "perfect" parent for our children, but we are also human beings.  We all make mistakes sometimes.  That's part of life.  How we choose to deal with those so called failures, however, is up to you.

Do you go over the situation over and over again in your head and berate yourself for the errors you made?  Or do you accept the fact that it happened and that you cannot change what's happened already, so forgive yourself and move on?

I think many of us automatically choose option 1, but stop and think for a minute.  If you ever saw your children berating themselves over "mistakes" they've made, how would you feel?  Is this a behavior that you would like to pass on to your children?

I learned this the hard way.  This past summer, my oldest son was sick for a while, and one day, he fell asleep in the middle of the day.  The second he woke up from his nap though, he was in a complete panic.  After I got him to calm down a little, I asked him what happened.  He told me "I get mad at myself when I take a nap because I feel like I wasted my time."

...Ouch!!  What have I been teaching my son?!  Why can't my son relax and rest, even when he's sick?!

It crushed my heart.  I felt absolutely horrible.  I went down the usual path and got angry with myself.  At the time, I was just beginning to learn to accept myself and to take care of my "inner child".  I didn't feel like I deserved to.  I thought if I had been so demanding of my son that he felt he needed to place so much pressure on himself, then I must demand even more from myself.  How could I possibly forgive and accept myself, which to me seemed like giving myself a "free pass" to get away from my mistakes?

The angrier I got with myself though, my fuse grew shorter also.  Worst of all, my son was mirroring my frustration.  He would boss his little sister around and get angry with her over minor things.  I saw myself in him.  And I knew I had to change.

Your children are heavily influenced by your behavior, good or bad.  If you want your children to be loving, kind people, YOU have to be a loving, kind person.  If you want your children to respect themselves, YOU have to respect YOURSELF.

For me, saying affirmations has helped tremendously.  If I'm driving alone, I constantly talk to myself and send loving thoughts to the drivers and pedestrians passing by.  Writing my thoughts out on paper was also very helpful in sorting them out.  Whatever works for you, do it!  And do it right now!  It may feel weird to you at first, but do it for your children.  And eventually, you'll get to a place where you'll just want to do it for yourself.

You deserve to be happy, and the truth is, you can't make anybody else happy if you are not happy with yourself first.

Someone Somewhere

Someone Somewhere

Someone somewhere is grieving today
Over a partner who has just passed
Over a parent who’s fading away
Over a little one they’ll never meet
Over a beloved tail no longer wagging

Someone somewhere is grieving today
Who it was - does not matter
How long ago - does not matter
What does matter is that there is pain
Where it hides is the great unknown

Someone somewhere is grieving today
So be kind to your friends and your neighbors
Send some love to your family and strangers
Flash a bright smile, give a warm hug
Go easy on the car horn as you drive

Everyone grieves in different ways
Some are obvious, others are tucked away
But we’ll all grieve - that’s for sure
At some point, over someone - somewhere.

This was one of the things I wrote while I was taking a break from this blog.  I wrote it while thinking of a friend who had just lost her father.  I don't know why, but I felt compelled to share it with you today.  I hope it resonates with someone, somewhere.

Six Years Later

Six years ago today, an eight-year-old boy went to the emergency room because he had a severe cough.  What no one realized at the time was that he was actually having a stroke.  Next morning, as all his classmates were getting up - ready to head back to school after a long summer vacation - he took his last breath.

His name was Yuto.  He was my cousin's only child.  The end of his life was the beginning of my spiritual journey.  Because how could you not wake up?  How could you keep on living in the same old way, when you are looking at your own child and it hits you - He doesn't have a protective bubble around him. He can be taken away from you just as easily.

It took a long time for me to come to terms with everything.  It seemed so unfair.  It didn't make sense.  Eventually, I got to the point where I accepted what happened and promised myself that I would enjoy and live my life to the fullest so that his passing would not be in vain.  And every year, on the first of September, I would assess my life to see if I was living up to that promise.

This year, I'm noticing a slight but a significant change.  Rather than just saying that I should be enjoying my life to the fullest, I'm at a point now where I know I DESERVE to enjoy my life to the fullest.  (In fact, we ALL do.)  Rather than be somber all day long, I want to do things that make me happy.  I feel like that will make Yuto infinitely more happy than having me sit there and be sad, or worse, sit there and criticise myself for not living my life to the fullest.

So, my husband and I took my oldest, who is also eight years old this year, to Manhattan this past weekend.  Just the three of us, so that we can give him our full attention even if it was for a few hours.  We went to a show and enjoyed a delicious dinner.  The full moon that night, as well as the Manhattan skyline, was gorgeous.  We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and I loved everyone and everything in this universe.  And that, I think, was the best tribute I could ever make to a boy who headed toward heaven with a most peaceful smile on his face.

If you've read this thing all the way through, I have a favor to ask of you.  Please do something right now, right this minute, that will make you feel happy.  If not for me, then for yourself and for Yuto.  He didn't leave this world early to make us live in fear that our life or our children's lives will be cut short.  He's teaching us that if we have something we'd like to do, do it now!  If you have someone that you love in your life, tell them now!  Carpe Diem. Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may....

 

P.S. Hmm, I seem to have walked right into yet another Melodysheep video!