Lullabye (Good Night, My Angel) by Billy Joel

Back when I was a teenager, there was a time when I felt compelled to listen to this song over and over again.  There was something in the music that touched me at a deeper level than most other songs.  It was so heartbreaking, yet so healing at the same time. 

I rediscovered this song recently, and now I sing it for my children every night.  First time I sang it, I spied a tear in my firstborn's eyes, and I was so grateful that I was able to share this beautiful gift of a song with him.

Thank you, Billy Joel, for moving our souls time and time again with your music.  Thank you, Alexa Joel, for inspiring your father.  Thank you, my children, for bringing this song back in my life.  And thank YOU, my dear reader, for allowing me to share this song with you. 

Are You Self-Centered?

Ever since I discovered Louise Hay half an year ago, I've been trying to work on my self-esteem. Yet, after months of ups and downs, I have to tell you, I'm still struggling with the concept of self-love.  Pretty much everyday, in fact.  I often find it a struggle to reconcile the idea of self-love with the seemingly universal "truth" that being self-centered is bad and that you should always be selfless.  Isn't it what every "good" person is supposed to do?  If I take attention away from my family in order to do inner soul searching, does that make me a "bad" person?

I was listening to a talk by Alan Watts on love, and I had a moment - a brief moment - of clarity.  I saw myself as a puppy, chasing its own tail.  I've been told that I am perfect exactly the way I am, so I've been chasing this image of a "perfect" self that I keep glancing out of the corner of my eye so that I can embrace it.  Yet all I'm doing is going around in circles, making myself all dizzy and confused.  I'm "copying the symptoms", as Watts said, of the self-assured person but I'm not getting anywhere because copying and being are two different things.  For example, you can decide to become more generous and give a gift to someone.  But if you consciously or subconsciously expect something in return (a thank you note, a tax write-off, or even a smile), are you really being generous?  That kind of generosity is different from the generosity of someone who can walk away unperturbed even when the gift is rejected unceremoniously.

So, copying the symptom of Louise Hay and other self-help gurus apparently isn't going to lead me to true self-acceptance.  What then?  I think it would be better if I could just stop chasing my own tail and sit down.  Sit down on that perfect little tail of mine and know that I'm already attached to it, that perfection is already part of me and it's not going anywhere.  What's necessary is a new way to look at myself.  A new way to define what it means to be self-centered and to be selfless.

Rather than equating being self-centered with being selfish, and being selfless with being saintly, let's take those words literally.  Meaning, being centered within yourself for "self-centered" and thinking less of yourself for "selfless".  Rather than being swayed by the opinions of others and then judging yourself for not being able to meet their standards, listen to them respectfully but decide for yourself whether those opinions and starndards serve you well. 

Let's go back to the issue of generosity, for example.  Conventional wisdom says that selfless people give, give, give, while selfish people take, take, take.  But the truth is, givers are always receiving something when they give, and receivers are always giving something when they receive.  The seemingly stingy person is still giving you a gift!  I mean, who hasn't received a gift that you didn't really need or want purely because the "selfless" gifter felt obligated to buy you something for a certain occasion?  How much better it would have been if the person could have just faced the fear of appearing stingy and given you the gift of an uncluttered home!  Instead, what really happens is that the receiver now feels that he/she is in the "lesser" position so must repay the debt in order to feel better.  And the game of "who's more selfless?" continues.

My personal struggle with self-acceptance is with meeting my own needs and desires while also meeting my family's needs.  I have 3 young children, a husband, and a dog who all need love and attention from me, which really doesn't leave much time for myself.  At the same time, I know that I need to have my own life.  My mother was a full time mom, and when I was younger, I used to believe that the measure of her success depended on how well my brother and I turned out.   I don't think that way now, but I do remember how much pressure it used to put on my shoulders.  I don't want my children to feel that way.  So, I need to establish an identity other than just being a mom, but that means I can't always meet my children's needs and wants.  This scares me!!  What if my kids grow up and tell me that I was a neglectful, selfish mom?!

But that's a risk I'm going to have to take.  My children are free to judge me however they like.  If they end up thinking that I was a horrible mother, they have the right to do so.  And I also have the right not to judge myself through their eyes, or anyone else's.  I have the right to believe that I am teaching them independence rather than being neglectful.  I have the right to believe that I'm teaching them to respect themselves as well as others by showing them that I have needs of my own and I respect them.  It seems so paradoxical that in order to help my children, I would need to do what seems like the opposite of what I ought to be doing.  But that's the nature of things.  Givers are also receiving, receivers are also giving.  We are all perfect and flawed at the same time.  And understanding THAT may be the key that finally opens the door of self-acceptance for me. 

Ajahn Brahm

So we all know that YouTube can be a source of an enormous amount of mind-numbing junk, but you can find truly wonderful things there too.  Pretty much every night, I spend about an hour or so to help me relax and also to educate myself.  One of my favorite people to listen to is Ajahn Brahm. 

Ajahn Brahm is a British monk in Western Australia.  He gives talks every week, and thank goodness for us, they are posted on YouTube for all of us to hear.  Of course, his words are full of wisdom, as you would expect from a Buddhist monk, but the best part is that he's very funny.  I can always count on him to make me smile, and that's the best way to relax!

Each and every video has spoken to me in one way or another, so I find it hard to pick out my favorite.  I'll just post the latest video titled Terrorism and Peace since the terrorism in Paris has left many of us searching for answers.  Yes, the internet can be used by the terrorists to recruit more members and spread hatred, but we can also use it to recruit even more people into our global community whose mission is to spread love and compassion!

Six Years Later

Six years ago today, an eight-year-old boy went to the emergency room because he had a severe cough.  What no one realized at the time was that he was actually having a stroke.  Next morning, as all his classmates were getting up - ready to head back to school after a long summer vacation - he took his last breath.

His name was Yuto.  He was my cousin's only child.  The end of his life was the beginning of my spiritual journey.  Because how could you not wake up?  How could you keep on living in the same old way, when you are looking at your own child and it hits you - He doesn't have a protective bubble around him. He can be taken away from you just as easily.

It took a long time for me to come to terms with everything.  It seemed so unfair.  It didn't make sense.  Eventually, I got to the point where I accepted what happened and promised myself that I would enjoy and live my life to the fullest so that his passing would not be in vain.  And every year, on the first of September, I would assess my life to see if I was living up to that promise.

This year, I'm noticing a slight but a significant change.  Rather than just saying that I should be enjoying my life to the fullest, I'm at a point now where I know I DESERVE to enjoy my life to the fullest.  (In fact, we ALL do.)  Rather than be somber all day long, I want to do things that make me happy.  I feel like that will make Yuto infinitely more happy than having me sit there and be sad, or worse, sit there and criticise myself for not living my life to the fullest.

So, my husband and I took my oldest, who is also eight years old this year, to Manhattan this past weekend.  Just the three of us, so that we can give him our full attention even if it was for a few hours.  We went to a show and enjoyed a delicious dinner.  The full moon that night, as well as the Manhattan skyline, was gorgeous.  We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and I loved everyone and everything in this universe.  And that, I think, was the best tribute I could ever make to a boy who headed toward heaven with a most peaceful smile on his face.

If you've read this thing all the way through, I have a favor to ask of you.  Please do something right now, right this minute, that will make you feel happy.  If not for me, then for yourself and for Yuto.  He didn't leave this world early to make us live in fear that our life or our children's lives will be cut short.  He's teaching us that if we have something we'd like to do, do it now!  If you have someone that you love in your life, tell them now!  Carpe Diem. Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may....

 

P.S. Hmm, I seem to have walked right into yet another Melodysheep video!

A Song Stuck in My Head

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head?  I've got Melodysheep's "We Are All Connected" stuck in my head right now.  If you've never heard of Melodysheep, he digitally alters footage from television and movies to create very unique songs.  He has a whole album of songs called Symphony of Science in which you'll see well known scientists singing (and rapping!).

For me, if I get a song stuck in my head, it's a signal that I need to pay attention to the lyrics.  It's like the universe communicates to me through songs.  Sometimes, the message is obvious.  It cues me up to the exact lyric I need to hear.  Sometimes, I have to keep singing the song until I get to the part that's relevant.

I've had this current song stuck in my head for a few days now.  I thought it was because I needed to appreciate everyone in this world.  To keep working on feeling connected to the universe.  Now, I'm starting to feel like it was because I'm supposed to blog about it.  Someone somewhere is supposed to find this song, and I'm part of the web (quite literally) that leads that person to it. 

So, I trust the universe and put this out there.  I hope it reaches the person it's supposed to reach.