Lullabye (Good Night, My Angel) by Billy Joel

Back when I was a teenager, there was a time when I felt compelled to listen to this song over and over again.  There was something in the music that touched me at a deeper level than most other songs.  It was so heartbreaking, yet so healing at the same time. 

I rediscovered this song recently, and now I sing it for my children every night.  First time I sang it, I spied a tear in my firstborn's eyes, and I was so grateful that I was able to share this beautiful gift of a song with him.

Thank you, Billy Joel, for moving our souls time and time again with your music.  Thank you, Alexa Joel, for inspiring your father.  Thank you, my children, for bringing this song back in my life.  And thank YOU, my dear reader, for allowing me to share this song with you. 

Are You Self-Centered?

Ever since I discovered Louise Hay half an year ago, I've been trying to work on my self-esteem. Yet, after months of ups and downs, I have to tell you, I'm still struggling with the concept of self-love.  Pretty much everyday, in fact.  I often find it a struggle to reconcile the idea of self-love with the seemingly universal "truth" that being self-centered is bad and that you should always be selfless.  Isn't it what every "good" person is supposed to do?  If I take attention away from my family in order to do inner soul searching, does that make me a "bad" person?

I was listening to a talk by Alan Watts on love, and I had a moment - a brief moment - of clarity.  I saw myself as a puppy, chasing its own tail.  I've been told that I am perfect exactly the way I am, so I've been chasing this image of a "perfect" self that I keep glancing out of the corner of my eye so that I can embrace it.  Yet all I'm doing is going around in circles, making myself all dizzy and confused.  I'm "copying the symptoms", as Watts said, of the self-assured person but I'm not getting anywhere because copying and being are two different things.  For example, you can decide to become more generous and give a gift to someone.  But if you consciously or subconsciously expect something in return (a thank you note, a tax write-off, or even a smile), are you really being generous?  That kind of generosity is different from the generosity of someone who can walk away unperturbed even when the gift is rejected unceremoniously.

So, copying the symptom of Louise Hay and other self-help gurus apparently isn't going to lead me to true self-acceptance.  What then?  I think it would be better if I could just stop chasing my own tail and sit down.  Sit down on that perfect little tail of mine and know that I'm already attached to it, that perfection is already part of me and it's not going anywhere.  What's necessary is a new way to look at myself.  A new way to define what it means to be self-centered and to be selfless.

Rather than equating being self-centered with being selfish, and being selfless with being saintly, let's take those words literally.  Meaning, being centered within yourself for "self-centered" and thinking less of yourself for "selfless".  Rather than being swayed by the opinions of others and then judging yourself for not being able to meet their standards, listen to them respectfully but decide for yourself whether those opinions and starndards serve you well. 

Let's go back to the issue of generosity, for example.  Conventional wisdom says that selfless people give, give, give, while selfish people take, take, take.  But the truth is, givers are always receiving something when they give, and receivers are always giving something when they receive.  The seemingly stingy person is still giving you a gift!  I mean, who hasn't received a gift that you didn't really need or want purely because the "selfless" gifter felt obligated to buy you something for a certain occasion?  How much better it would have been if the person could have just faced the fear of appearing stingy and given you the gift of an uncluttered home!  Instead, what really happens is that the receiver now feels that he/she is in the "lesser" position so must repay the debt in order to feel better.  And the game of "who's more selfless?" continues.

My personal struggle with self-acceptance is with meeting my own needs and desires while also meeting my family's needs.  I have 3 young children, a husband, and a dog who all need love and attention from me, which really doesn't leave much time for myself.  At the same time, I know that I need to have my own life.  My mother was a full time mom, and when I was younger, I used to believe that the measure of her success depended on how well my brother and I turned out.   I don't think that way now, but I do remember how much pressure it used to put on my shoulders.  I don't want my children to feel that way.  So, I need to establish an identity other than just being a mom, but that means I can't always meet my children's needs and wants.  This scares me!!  What if my kids grow up and tell me that I was a neglectful, selfish mom?!

But that's a risk I'm going to have to take.  My children are free to judge me however they like.  If they end up thinking that I was a horrible mother, they have the right to do so.  And I also have the right not to judge myself through their eyes, or anyone else's.  I have the right to believe that I am teaching them independence rather than being neglectful.  I have the right to believe that I'm teaching them to respect themselves as well as others by showing them that I have needs of my own and I respect them.  It seems so paradoxical that in order to help my children, I would need to do what seems like the opposite of what I ought to be doing.  But that's the nature of things.  Givers are also receiving, receivers are also giving.  We are all perfect and flawed at the same time.  And understanding THAT may be the key that finally opens the door of self-acceptance for me. 

Are Your Parents Obligated to Love You Unconditionally?

OK.  I know my answer to this question is going to ruffle some feathers.  But I've been thinking about this for a long time now, and my answer is NO.  That's right, N. O.  I don't think so.

Why?  Because I think the only person you can truly rely on to love you unconditionally is you and yourself alone.  I can add God to that list if you like, but I believe God is already within you - you are part of God - so that would be the same thing.  You expect anyone else to love you unconditionally, and you give up control of your happiness.  You're always relying on love from an outside source to make you happy, and that's unreliable!  Don't look for someone to be your savior.  YOU are your own savior.  YOU are responsible for your own happiness.

Maybe I should back up a little bit so you can understand how I got to this point.

This summer, when I was really questioning myself and my parenting skills in particular, I kept wondering "Is it even possible to raise your children without scarring them somehow?"  So I went to the Great Google and typed in the question.  What I found out was that not too many people were asking the same question.  What I did find out was that there are A LOT of people asking, "Do you think your parents loved you unconditionally?" and the resounding answer to that question was "NO!"  It seems pretty much everyone felt that their parents were selfish, if not narcissistic.  There's even a whole website devoted to daughters raised by narcissistic mothers.  Even the ones that felt relatively well loved remembered incidents in their lives that made them feel unloved.

My first reaction was, "Oh lord!  Is this how my children will see me when they grow up?"  But the more I thought about it, I started to feel like, "Well, why not?"  After all, I am a human being.  I'm not some perfect saint!  Sometimes, I need to do something else before I can sit down and read a book with them.  Sometimes, I don't have the patience to deal with the constant bickering among siblings or the obnoxious repetition of a really annoying song.  If my children choose to see those moments as my being selfish or a sign of lack of love, there really isn't anything I can do about that.

And this is true for all parents, including yours and mine.  It's completely normal and routine to feel unloved at some point in our childhoods. What's insane is that we've all bought into this lie that our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally, and then we lick our wounds collectively, blaming our parents for "messing us up."  Please, let us all get rid of this unrealistic burden!  I know a lot of people, personally, who didn't feel loved as children and are carrying this huge load of resentment, anger, sadness, as well as a faint hope that someday, somehow, their parents will turn around and tell them "I'm sorry, I love you."  Why wait until then to be happy?  What if that day never comes?  Wouldn't it be better to just recognize this as a myth and get rid of the guilt that comes with thinking "My parents must not have loved me because I wasn't good enough"?

Now, I'm not saying that no one is able to love unconditionally.  I'm sure some people are capable of loving others unconditionally, and some of you grew up without ever doubting your parents' love.  I also believe that all of us are capable of loving others unconditionally, too.  But before that can happen, we must learn to love ourselves first.  When we love ourselves, we take responsibility for our own happiness.  When we take responsibility for our own happiness, we stop seeking validation from others.  When we stop looking for validation from others, we stop seeing others as possible attackers of our fragile egos.  And when we are no longer afraid of receiving attacks from these people, we can love them freely.  Unconditionally.

So that's where I am now.  I may feel differently a few years from now, but right now, I'm working on loving and accepting myself.  I at least recognize my immediate anxiety when I hear a word of criticism from my parents and try to just observe that anxiety from a distance.  I'm trying to allow my children to feel whatever they want to feel without turning it into a personal attack on my parenting skills.  I feel more connected and loving toward all earthlings.  Baby steps.  Baby steps.  Baby steps.

Do you think your parents loved you unconditionally?  Do you think we can raise our children without scarring them somehow?  Do you feel at peace with your answers to these questions?  How do you feel about my stance on unconditional love?  I'd love for my thoughts to start your inner dialogue - a seed that begins your search for a deeper answer.  And do let me know what you found in the comments below!

What I'm Learning about Being a Parent #2

In my previous post, I wrote about the #1 thing that I've been learning about being a parent, which was to stop trying to teach them something and just be a good role model.

I think the second most important thing is to accept yourself just as you are.  This actually goes back to being a good role model.  We want to be the "perfect" parent for our children, but we are also human beings.  We all make mistakes sometimes.  That's part of life.  How we choose to deal with those so called failures, however, is up to you.

Do you go over the situation over and over again in your head and berate yourself for the errors you made?  Or do you accept the fact that it happened and that you cannot change what's happened already, so forgive yourself and move on?

I think many of us automatically choose option 1, but stop and think for a minute.  If you ever saw your children berating themselves over "mistakes" they've made, how would you feel?  Is this a behavior that you would like to pass on to your children?

I learned this the hard way.  This past summer, my oldest son was sick for a while, and one day, he fell asleep in the middle of the day.  The second he woke up from his nap though, he was in a complete panic.  After I got him to calm down a little, I asked him what happened.  He told me "I get mad at myself when I take a nap because I feel like I wasted my time."

...Ouch!!  What have I been teaching my son?!  Why can't my son relax and rest, even when he's sick?!

It crushed my heart.  I felt absolutely horrible.  I went down the usual path and got angry with myself.  At the time, I was just beginning to learn to accept myself and to take care of my "inner child".  I didn't feel like I deserved to.  I thought if I had been so demanding of my son that he felt he needed to place so much pressure on himself, then I must demand even more from myself.  How could I possibly forgive and accept myself, which to me seemed like giving myself a "free pass" to get away from my mistakes?

The angrier I got with myself though, my fuse grew shorter also.  Worst of all, my son was mirroring my frustration.  He would boss his little sister around and get angry with her over minor things.  I saw myself in him.  And I knew I had to change.

Your children are heavily influenced by your behavior, good or bad.  If you want your children to be loving, kind people, YOU have to be a loving, kind person.  If you want your children to respect themselves, YOU have to respect YOURSELF.

For me, saying affirmations has helped tremendously.  If I'm driving alone, I constantly talk to myself and send loving thoughts to the drivers and pedestrians passing by.  Writing my thoughts out on paper was also very helpful in sorting them out.  Whatever works for you, do it!  And do it right now!  It may feel weird to you at first, but do it for your children.  And eventually, you'll get to a place where you'll just want to do it for yourself.

You deserve to be happy, and the truth is, you can't make anybody else happy if you are not happy with yourself first.

What I'm Learning About Being a Parent - #1

For the past several months, I've been really reevaluating my beliefs and have had to completely shift the way I think about certain things.  This, especially, had a huge influence on the way I parent my 3 children.  For a while, I beat myself up relentlessly because I thought I had really messed up and had damaged my children permanently.  So, I started telling my son my new ideas and encouraging him to do the same...  But wait!  My beliefs would change again in a few days, so I had another set of new rules!

This really confused my poor son.  He actually got sick for a whole month, and I just got more frustrated.  This was clearly not the way to go.

After awhile, I came across this poem by Kahlil Gibran:


On Children  

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

The first stanza is quoted most often, but the second stanza was the one I needed to get.  So, I evolved again.  I learned that you can't "teach" your children anything.  As soon as you try to do so, your ego steps in and says "I know more than you.  I'm better than you."  Your children will pick up on this  underlying message instantly and feel that they are not good enough as they are.

Well, what CAN you do as a parent, then?  #1, Be a good role model.  You have to become the type of person you want your children to be.  You have to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.  Sure, there's no guarantee that your children will follow in your footsteps, but that's also the case when you pester them to do this and that.  At least, this way, you've improved yourself in the process.  And isn't that what we are here on Earth to do?  To improve ourselves and not anyone else?

P.S.  While this is the number one thing I've learned so far about being a parent, there are few more lessons I had to face.  To keep the posts relatively short, I'll be tackling them one at a time in the coming weeks.   Stay tuned...

Someone Somewhere

Someone Somewhere

Someone somewhere is grieving today
Over a partner who has just passed
Over a parent who’s fading away
Over a little one they’ll never meet
Over a beloved tail no longer wagging

Someone somewhere is grieving today
Who it was - does not matter
How long ago - does not matter
What does matter is that there is pain
Where it hides is the great unknown

Someone somewhere is grieving today
So be kind to your friends and your neighbors
Send some love to your family and strangers
Flash a bright smile, give a warm hug
Go easy on the car horn as you drive

Everyone grieves in different ways
Some are obvious, others are tucked away
But we’ll all grieve - that’s for sure
At some point, over someone - somewhere.

This was one of the things I wrote while I was taking a break from this blog.  I wrote it while thinking of a friend who had just lost her father.  I don't know why, but I felt compelled to share it with you today.  I hope it resonates with someone, somewhere.

Six Years Later

Six years ago today, an eight-year-old boy went to the emergency room because he had a severe cough.  What no one realized at the time was that he was actually having a stroke.  Next morning, as all his classmates were getting up - ready to head back to school after a long summer vacation - he took his last breath.

His name was Yuto.  He was my cousin's only child.  The end of his life was the beginning of my spiritual journey.  Because how could you not wake up?  How could you keep on living in the same old way, when you are looking at your own child and it hits you - He doesn't have a protective bubble around him. He can be taken away from you just as easily.

It took a long time for me to come to terms with everything.  It seemed so unfair.  It didn't make sense.  Eventually, I got to the point where I accepted what happened and promised myself that I would enjoy and live my life to the fullest so that his passing would not be in vain.  And every year, on the first of September, I would assess my life to see if I was living up to that promise.

This year, I'm noticing a slight but a significant change.  Rather than just saying that I should be enjoying my life to the fullest, I'm at a point now where I know I DESERVE to enjoy my life to the fullest.  (In fact, we ALL do.)  Rather than be somber all day long, I want to do things that make me happy.  I feel like that will make Yuto infinitely more happy than having me sit there and be sad, or worse, sit there and criticise myself for not living my life to the fullest.

So, my husband and I took my oldest, who is also eight years old this year, to Manhattan this past weekend.  Just the three of us, so that we can give him our full attention even if it was for a few hours.  We went to a show and enjoyed a delicious dinner.  The full moon that night, as well as the Manhattan skyline, was gorgeous.  We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and I loved everyone and everything in this universe.  And that, I think, was the best tribute I could ever make to a boy who headed toward heaven with a most peaceful smile on his face.

If you've read this thing all the way through, I have a favor to ask of you.  Please do something right now, right this minute, that will make you feel happy.  If not for me, then for yourself and for Yuto.  He didn't leave this world early to make us live in fear that our life or our children's lives will be cut short.  He's teaching us that if we have something we'd like to do, do it now!  If you have someone that you love in your life, tell them now!  Carpe Diem. Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may....

 

P.S. Hmm, I seem to have walked right into yet another Melodysheep video!

Baby Steps

One of the hardest parts of making changes in your life, whether mental or physical, is that it takes a while for us to unlearn our old habits and create a new one.  I am trying to make changes both mentally and physically right now, and I'm proud of how much I've grown mentally.  But the physical changes are simply not happening for me.

The frustrating part is that I started working on the physical changes first.  I was exclusively breastfeeding my baby so I had to eliminate dairy, gluten, sugar, soy, and a plethora of other foods from my diet when he developed eczema about 2-3months after he arrived.  It helped my son a lot, but as for me and my eczema, things got worse.  I think a lot of it has to do with my stopping the use of my steroid creams around the same time and going through what is called Topical Steroid Withdrawal (TSW).   From what I read on the ITSAN website, this is a long, drawn out detox process, and it will take several years for me to be completely better because I've been using steroid creams for decades.  Still, it gets pretty frustrating not seeing much of an improvement after 9 months.

Thankfully, I have three wonderful children who teache me countless invaluable lessons everyday.  Right now, I've got a little one who is showing me, quite literally, that learning a new skill or making changes in your life is all about baby steps.  My son took his first step on Independence Day (of all days!).  It was more of a shuffle or a shifting of foot position than anything else, but it was the beginning.  Three days later, he took three steps.  At that point, we could definitely categorize that as "walking".  He seemed to be stuck on taking 6 to 8 steps then falling on his tush, but after a month, he was walking more than crawling.  Now, he walks most of the time, and he squeals with delight at each step!  If he falls, he doesn't get frustrated or give up and cry.  He just stands right back again and keeps on walking.

And THAT, I think is the most important lesson I'm learning from him.  We forget how difficult it is to learn something new, and get frustrated with ourselves when we fall off the wagon or the changes don't happen as quickly as we would like.  But we just need to keep going.  We need to keep taking small, baby steps and rejoice at every steps that we do take!  We have to learn to walk before we can run, and each step you take brings you closer to your ultimate goal. 

I'm Getting My Voice Back!

Hello, everyone! It's been a long, looong maternity leave! LOL! Truth be told, it actually was 2 back-to-back maternity leaves. Yep, that's right. Just as I was beginning to think I might start going back online again, I found out I was pregnant once more, so I never bothered to restart. I'm a mother of three now, and my youngest just turned one. My daughter, who was only a few months old in the last post, is getting ready to start Pre-K this September.

So, obviously, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Adjusting to new life changes and being trusted by the universe to take care of little lives definitely forces you to dig deep within yourself, and I've learned much during these 3 and a half years. The past year in particular has been really intense, with website after website and books after books presenting themselves to me exactly at the right time, just when I needed it the most.

 The most important thing that I've learned is to be true to myself and to accept myself without judgement. This, I realize now, means I have to love and take care of myself before I can truly love and take care of others. I had allowed my life to revolve completely around my children because I thought that's what good mothers did. But in hind sight, all it did was make me build up this suppressed resentment that I had no time for myself, which caused me to be constantly stressed and short tempered. And then, of course, I would beat myself up because I got frustrated and angry with them! In my mind that was definitely not something a "good" mom was supposed to do. It was a vicious cycle.

There are 3 books in particular that has helped me turn things around. One is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. This book showed me how important it is to love myself and challenged me to search deep within to figure out why I hated myself so much. The second book is The Neverending Story by Michael Ende. I got this book to read with my oldest son since I remembered enjoying it when I was younger. What I didn't remember (or realize back then) was how deeply spiritual this book is. It gave me exactly the messages I needed at exactly the right time. And I learned how important it is to "Do as you wish". The third book, which I just finished reading, reconfirmed what I had learned and refined some of the awarenesses that I had. It's called Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani. This is a book detailing how her terminal lymphoma was cured after a near-death experience. Her description of the afterlife and the spiritual dimention really meshed with my own beliefs about them, and it really reinforced the need to value and love myself exactly as I am, warts and all. (In my case, eczema and all!)

So that's where this blog comes in. I am searching deep within and piecing together my true identity.  Since I was so caught up in the daily chaos of motherhood, I had forgotten it.  But deep down, I am an artist and a writer. And I have things that I want to express to the world. If I truly want to be happy, I have to allow that "Self" to shine. I have to follow my wishes, as Bastian did in The Never Ending Story, and trust that I am always going in the right direction.

Cookies!

I baked cookies yesterday, and while that might not sound like a big deal to you, it was a huge deal for me. So what was the special occasion?

I was celebrating the arrival of a new fire alarm!! You see, ever since we moved into this house, I've dreaded baking thanks to an over-sensitive fire alarm. It used to scream at me for every little thing. You opened the oven door? BEEP BEEP BEEP! Had crumbs on the bottom of the toaster oven? BEEP BEEP BEEP! Browned a pancake? BEEP BEEP BEEP! If I tried to bake a cake or something, forget it! It would BEEP BEEP BEEP the entire time unless I stood there, fanning the darn thing while screaming "I hate you! I hate you! I just want to bake a cake!!" :D

Eventually, I learned to flip the fuse before baking (the alarm was hardwired - no batteries), but it was rather inconvenient since that also cut off the electricity for the TV, the computer, and the bathroom.

Obviously, I'm super psyched that I can finally bake without fear, and the best part is, it even has a nifty little "silencer" button that lets you turn off the alarm temporarily!! Mmmm, these cookies taste like...victory!!

Crafts = Mood Indicators?

Ok, if you make enough things to sell on Etsy, you're probably an avid crafter like me. And if you are an avid crafter like me, you probably have multiple projects going on, using multiple mediums. Well, have you ever noticed a correlation between your mood and the projects you work on?

I ask because I recently noticed that whenever I feel depressed, I start making something with yarn! I think I mentioned before that I made myself a scarf when there was a death in the family. I also knitted and crocheted a hat, a scarf, 3 adult sized cowls, 1 doggie sized cowl, and 2 cowl-necked sweaters for dogs during the few months I went AWOL last fall from this blog. To tell you the truth, I had a miscarriage at that time, and I had A LOT to think about.

I got back on the saddle around the holidays, and was doing great in January. The sale I had was a big success, and I sold more bracelets than I ever expected. I wanted to get my listing numbers back up quickly, so I started remaking the ones that sold. I got bored with the task though, and the new listing I was working on just wasn't looking the way I had hoped. So I figured I'll take a little break and do some crochet.

...Or so I thought. I immediately found myself back in a dark place again, and this time, I felt like I didn't have a good reason to be there. But as I traced back my memory to figure out when exactly I started feeling blue, I came back to the day one of the journalists on a local news station revealed that she also had a miscarriage recently. Although the story did make me tear up at the time, I didn't think that it affected me that deeply. It stayed with me for a day or two, and then I moved on.

My crafty little fingers apparently knew, however, that there was something more that needed to be addressed. Once I figured out the cause of the depression, I did think more about it, had a good cry, and voila! I'm ready to go back to working with beads again!

I guess it's not exactly great for my business that I feel the need to work with a different medium every time I feel blue, but I am glad that I figured this out. Now that I know, whenever I feel drawn to yarn, I can take a good look at what's going on in my heart, and hopefully, I'll be able to get back on my feet sooner.

Do you also have an "indicator" craft that automatically warns you and your loved ones, "Something's wrong"? If you do, what is it?

P.S. Yes, I'm well aware that my dog hates me. She hates me for making the sweater. She hates me for making her wear it. She hates me for making her pose for a picture in it. She hates me for posting the picture for the world to see. Poor girl... :)

Hydrangeas!

It's hydrangea season! These are my absolute favorite flowers. One reason being that they start blooming around my birthday, but I also love the unique variations of colors, sometimes even within just one bush. They also makes me think of Japan, even though they're pretty common everywhere. They're the one beautiful thing to look forward to during the gloomy rainy season in Japan.


I definitely plan on having them in my backyard if we ever tear out the old wooden deck that's there, but for now, I have to admire the ones in other people's yards. The thing is, they tend to be hidden in corners or right next to a house, so I was having a hard time finding one to photograph. I finally found some in the garden of a local museum, so here they are...

Before I go, I have to thank my husband, without whom, I wouldn't have been able to post these pictures! I shouldn't be surprised at all that it happened, but my son tried to jam a memory card into the camera last week and bent several of the pins in the slot. I honestly thought that I would have to shell out $100+ to replace the part, but my hubby worked his magic fingers and fixed it for me!

One Year

I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while, but I've been out of the country. We went back to Japan and visited Tokyo Disneyland! I have lots to tell you about that later, but first, I have to celebrate the one-year-anniversary of this blog!

Yup, today is my birthday, which means my blog is celebrating its birthday, too. I started this blog a year ago with the hope that it will help me "figure out who I really am instead of what other people want me to be." ... So, did it?

Well, I can't really answer that directly because my definition of "figuring out who I am" has changed during the past year. A year ago, I thought that finding out who I am meant knowing my strengths as well as my faults and being comfortable with it. For example, being able to say, "I'm not a good cook, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it."

I've stopped calling myself a bad cook in the past year, though, because I've come to realize that labels are just that. Labels. Whether I'm a good cook or a bad cook depends on who's tasting the food. I mean, think about it - even the best sushi chefs would've been looked upon as complete lunatics by the majority of the world just a few decades ago!

Now, when I try to define who I am, I think of the little baby who came into this world 31 years ago today. The human being in its purest form, with no artificial labels and all the potential to be absolutely anything. Deep down, I am still that person, and in that sense, who I am is no different than any other person living today. And every single one of us still have all the potential to be most anything we want to be.

All the rest is just what we like or dislike at the moment. I currently don't cook well because I don't enjoy cooking now. But if I ever decide that I want to be a better cook, I can always learn how. Same can be said about my photography. I enjoy taking photos right now, but I don't have to like it tomorrow. And just because I stop liking photography doesn't mean that I become any less "me".

Now that I think back, it's strange that I chose to call my business "SonoSono Studio". As I mentioned in my profile, I chose it because it helps remind me that "I am who I am." But in actuality, I didn't know the true meaning of that particular phrase at the time that I chose it. I like the name more than ever though, and I'm also glad that my given name Sono means "I am" in Italian.

So where does my blog come into all of this? Not in an obvious way. After all, I didn't mention any of these ideas on the blog during the past year. Yet, figuring out who I truly am was (is) a long and slow process, and tossing around and editing potential blog posts inside my head definitely made me test my idea of who I was.

So, even though I found most of my thought process too personal to reveal publicly on this blog, I guess I can still say that this blog was an essential part of figuring out who I am.

Thank you all for reading these ramblings during the past year, and I hope you'll continue to come back for more!

Children's Day

Today, May 5th, is "Tango no Sekku" in Japan. It's the boy's equivalent of "Hina Matsuri" that I mentioned back in March.

Instead of dolls, we display a small battle helmet called Kabuto as well as Koi Nobori, which are wind socks shaped like Koi fish. I remember being petrified of them both when I was little! Kabuto, by its nature is meant to intimidate, and Koi Noboris can be quite large. They often have golden eyes with red streaks, and I always thought they looked angry.

Now that I look at them as an adult, though, I think they are quite elegant. My son's Kabuto has intricate floral details while maintaining to appear masculine. And Koi Noboris are quite majestic swimming in the blue sky.

Although it's not meant to be, fighting with my brother was also a May 5th "tradition" in our house! After WWII, the government decided to make May 5th a national holiday, and quite unfortunately, named it Children's Day. I always felt it was unfair that boys got the spotlight on "Children's" Day, while my brother always argued that girls already had their own day in March. I'm sure that same "tradition" played out throughout Japan again this year!

Ode to My Grandfather

If you've been reading this blog, you know that I'm kinda sorta addicted to Flickr! I feel like photos express myself more purely, without all the over-thinking and editing that goes on when I'm trying to express myself in words. It's the best way to convey the sense of awe and wonder that I feel about the extraordinary details in ordinary objects. And I hope that when he grows up, my son will look at the photos I took of him and realize just how much I love him.

But photography isn't just a way to express myself for me. It's a way for me to reconnect with my maternal grandfather. He loved photography, and he's the one that introduced me to the world beyond snapshots. I can still picture this one photo he took of fall leaves in a stream. It took my breath away and awakened something within, even though I didn't know it at the time.

Now, you might think, from what I've written so far, that we had a great relationship. We didn't. I was petrified of him and I might say that the fear bordered on hate. There are many pictures that he took of me in which I'm frowning or giving him the same cold, icy look I have in the picture shown.

I didn't even know why or care to find out why I felt that way. I was still very young, and I just instinctively knew that I did. And I continued to feel that way until his death, when I was about 10.

Then, something happened. I looked at my grandmother, whom I liked very much, and felt the same fear and disgust I felt when I used to look at my grandfather. And it hit me... I was afraid of her because she was now the oldest person I knew, and oldest meant that she was the closest to death. And the fear that I had felt around my grandfather had actually been fear of death!

The sense of guilt I felt then was immense. I never got to know my grandfather, the person, because I had unfairly allowed my misconception about death to judge his character.

I lived with that guilt for over 15 years. What saved me was the photo I showed above. I was looking at it and was thinking about how I openly admitted that I did not like him, and yet, he still treated me like a princess. Whenever we were visiting, he would often come home from work with a little package from Sanrio. I remember he even brought home a flowery dress once, which was totally out of character and surprised everyone. I mean, imagine, a 70-year-old man in a suit and a tie, walking around the children's department looking for something pink!

And as I was remembering this, it occurred to me, "If that's not unconditional love, I don't know what it is." That elusive unconditional love that everyone seeks - I had it, and I didn't even know it.

This revelation actually made me feel worse, and I started bawling like a little child. But something within told me that it was OK. He loved me unconditionally, and he forgives me for that too. I like to think it was the part of the DNA that we both share. After 15+ years, I was finally free of the lingering guilt and felt closer to my grandfather than I ever had.

And now, every time I pick up my camera, I tap into that shared DNA and our shared love for photography. Although it's impossible to reconnect with him in the physical world, I feel more connected with him at a much deeper level when I'm taking photos. It's almost a spiritual experience rather than just a way to document what I see.

Well, this turned out to be more of a book than an ode, but I wanted to share with you why photography is such an important part of my life.

Glass Half Full?

Is the glass half full or half empty? You hear that question a lot when someone's talking about optimists and pessimists. I've never bought that as an accurate way to judge someone. Maybe it's because the first time I was ever asked that question, I answered "half empty," and was made to feel horrible for being a "pessimist."

But really, people are so much more complex than that, and just because you lean towards "half empty" doesn't mean you are an Eeyore. Take, for example, a person who says "That glass is only half full," and a person who says "That glass is only half empty." Which one is an optimist now?

Personally, I think I'm still a "half empty" person. But after I look at the glass a little while, I'm likely to say "But just look at the light dancing on the water! It's really beautiful." Or "Wow, it's amazing how the water distorts the items behind the glass. If the glass was completely full or completely empty, I probably would've never noticed it."

Yup, I may be a bit of a pessimist at first, but I always find a silver lining in the end. And I'd rather be the that way than be an "optimist" who always says, "That glass is half full, but I wish it was completely full," or "I'd rather it was filled with soda than water."

Anyway, what triggered this little rant? My 52 Weeks Challenge photo. I think it's a perfect example that sometimes, you'll run into a silver lining if you just stick it out. This week, I was having trouble finding something that inspired me. Finally, I just stacked two of my son's toy cups on the floor, just like the picture on the left. I wasn't expecting much, but when I got close to it and played around with the camera setting, the result was breathtaking!

So please, don't judge me on the first impression! I'm really an optimist at heart, but sometimes, I need a little more time to find that optimism within! :)

Hina Matsuri

Today, March 3rd, is Hina Matsuri in Japan. It lietrally translates to "Doll Festival", but it's a day to celebrate and wish for the health of girls in the family.

We display a set of dolls called Hina-Ningyo. Although some lucky girls have a full 7-tier set with lots of accessories and servant dolls, mine were just a pair. One of the emperor and one of the empress. Still, I loved my Ohinasama, and it was one of those days that you felt really special.

While I don't have my dolls to display, I still couldn't resist getting some sweets at Mitsuwa, the Japanese Supermarket. Hina Matsuri sweets are just so pretty! The kanten jellies pictured has always been one of my favorites. They are somewhere between jello and gummies, something that I haven't encountered anywhere else.

金曜日は日本語で - Japanese Friday 野生動物版

我が家の息子は窓の外を眺めるのが大好き。　トラックが家の前を通り過ぎていくと顔をガラスにピッタリとくっつけて見えなくなるまで動きません。　またリスや鳥が来ると目を輝かせて教えてくれます。　そんな我が子をを見ているとアメリカに来てすぐの頃の私を思い出します。 My son loves looking at things out of the window. If a truck passes by in front of our house, he'll plaster his face to the glass and won't move until it is well out of sight. And when there's a squirrel or a bird outside, he'll inform me with his eyes twinkling. When I see him like that, he makes me think of myself just after I had arrived in the U.S.

日本でごく普通に見る野生の動物といったらカラスにすずめ、それから鳩とツバメぐらいでしょうか。　ブルージェイのような青い鳥やカーディナルのような赤い鳥はおとぎ話の中でしか知りませんでした。　ですから、アメリカでよく見られる野生動物の豊富さには目を見張りました。　我が家の庭に動物が現れる度に母に嬉々として報告に行ったものです。　ガーデニングが好きな方達の話を聞くと庭を荒らされたりしてちょっと害虫的な存在みたいですが、我が家ではリスは大歓迎！　よく窓のすぐそばに種をまいてリスが来るのを待っていました。 In most areas, all the wildlife you'll ever get to see in Japan are crows and sparrows, along with pigeons and swallows. I had only heard of blue and red birds, such as blue jays and cardinals, in fairy tales. So, I simply couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the variety of wildlife commonly found in America. Every time an animal appeared in our yard, I would report what I saw to my mother with absolute delight. Although some gardeners seem to view them as pests, squirrels were definitely welcome at our house! We used to leave some seeds right by the window and wait for them to come stuff their cheeks.

他にも蛇はもちろん、オポッサムなんかを見つけたこともありました。　ちょっと木が多いところに行くと鹿までいて、高速を走りながら家族皆で「あ！鹿だ！今の鹿だ！」とよく大騒ぎをしていました。　さすがに今住んでいるスタッテンアイランドで鹿を見たことはありませんがリスは本当にどこでもいます。　グランドキャニオンからニューヨークのど真ん中にあるセントラルパークにまでもいて、反対になぜ日本にはもっとリスがいないのか不思議になるぐらいです。In additon, we found snakes at our house as well as an opossum once. You can even see a couple of deer if you go somewhere with a little more trees. I remember my entire family often screaming "Oh, a deer! That was a deer!" as we drove down the highway. I can't say I've seen a deer in Staten Island, where I live now, but squirrels literally seem to be EVERYWHERE. I've seen them at Grand Canyon as well as in Central Park, right in the middle of New York City. It actually makes me wonder why we don't see squirrels more often in Japan!

金曜日は日本語で - Japanese Friday 学校版

***Please scroll down for the English translation***

数週間前にも同じ事を言いましたが、アメリカに来たばかりの頃の私は英語が全く分からないと言っていい状態でした。学校には日本語が喋れる子は一人もいなかったので、先生や友達とは和英・英和辞典を指差しながら意思表示をしあいました。宿題も親に手伝ってもらわなければお手上げ、と言うか親に宿題をしてもらっている感じでした。

一番大変だったのはテストです。先生方も辞書を使わせてくれたり、皆より時間を長くしてくれたりしましたが、それでも“F”（日本のテストで言えば６０点以下）をもらってよく大泣きしました。学校で少しリラックスできるのは大好きだった図工の時間と日本にいた頃には少し苦手だった算数の時間しかありませんでした。

そんな風に英語にどっぷり漬かりながら毎日を過ごしても、皆がだいたい何を言っているのか分かるようになるまで一年かかりました。友達と違和感なく話をできるようになったのは８年生（中二）の終わり、アメリカに来て３年後です。

英語、日本語、または別の他国語を勉強していらっしゃる皆様もあきらめずに頑張ってください。今二歳半の我が子を見ても思うのですが、言葉を覚え、それをちゃんと喋れるようになるまでにはとても時間がかかるようです。

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I mentioned this a few weeks ago too, but when I first came to the U.S. I could barely understand English. No one at my school could speak Japanese, so I had to communicate with my teachers and friends by pointing out words in my Japanese-English dictionary. I couldn’t even do my homework without my parents’ help, or should I say, without my parents doing it for me.

Tests were the hardest. My teachers usually allowed me to use my dictionary and gave me extra time to finish, but I still ended up receiving plenty of F’s, reducing me to tears. The only time I could relax a little at school was during my favorite subject, art; and during math, which actually was my least favorite back in Japan.

Even with those seemingly endless English-filled days, it still took a whole year before I began to understand what others were saying. It wasn’t until the end of 8th grade, 3 full years after I came to America, that I was able to chat with my friends without feeling conscious about my English.

So if you are trying to learn English, Japanese, or some other foreign language, please don’t give up and keep at it! It’s pretty clear looking at my 2-and-a-half-year-old, that learning to understand and to speak any language is a very time consuming endeavor!

金曜日は日本語で - Japanese Friday スクールバス版

***Please scroll down for the English translation***

日本の小学校に行っていた頃、私は放課後が楽しみでした。 いつも校庭で皆とおしゃべりした後、近所に住んでいる友達と誰の家で遊ぼうかと相談したり、道端の花をつんだりしながらゆっくりゆっくり帰っていったものです。　家は徒歩５分ちょっとで帰れる距離でしたが、最低１５分、たまには３０分もかけて家に帰ったこともありました。

アメリカでも町中に住んでいる子は歩いて学校に行き来しているようですが、郊外では皆スクールバスに乗って帰ります。 バスに乗り遅れると親にわざわざ迎えに来てもらわなければならないので、おしゃべりなんかしている暇はありません。　皆大急ぎで宿題に必要な教科書を集めバスに向かいます。　私はトランペットを吹いていたのでバスに乗る前に音楽室まで楽器を取りに行かなくてはならず、いつも大慌てをしなくてはなりませんでした。　

でも、バスに間に合ったからと言って安心できるわけではありません｡ トランペットのせいで いつも皆より遅れてバスに着くので、座る席を見つけるのも結構大変だったのです。　たいていは仲の良い友達が席を取っておいてくれましたが、その子がお休みだったりクラブ活動があったりして乗っていない時は一緒に座らせてくれそうな子を探さなければならないのです。　バスの席にぎりぎり納まるサイズのトランペットケースを持っているのでいい顔をして座らせてくれる子はそうはいませんでした。

玄関先にランドセルを放り出し、「何々ちゃんのとこで遊んでくるねー。」とまたすぐ出かけて行けた日本の思い出とはかけ離れた世界のスクールバスでした。

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Back when I was in Japan, I couldn't wait for the end of the school day. After chatting with everyone in the school yard, I would slowly head home with neighborhood friends while discussing whose house we should play at or picking flowers on the side of the road. Even though I lived 5 minutes away, I used to take at least 15 minutes, sometimes even 30 minutes to get home.

In the U.S., inner-city kids often walk to and from school too, but most kids take the school bus in the suburbs. If you miss the bus, you'll have to wait for your parents to pick you up, so no one has time for chit-chats. Everyone collects the textbooks needed for homework, and then heads for the bus. Since I used to play the trumpet, I also had to run to the band room to grab my instrument before running to the bus in a big hurry.

Just because you managed to catch the bus in time didn't mean you could relax then. I always got to the bus later than everyone else, thanks to the trumpet, so finding a seat wasn't easy either. Most of the times, I had a friend who saved a seat for me. But if she was absent or had a club meeting after school, I had to find someone else who will let me sit with him/her. With a trumpet case that barely fit into the bus seat, I was rarely welcomed with a smile.

The memories from the days in Japan when I could drop off my school bag at the door and run off again to play with my friends seemed very far away on that school bus.